Dentist

I went in for a regular dental checkup and cleaning today. It should have been just another regular routine inspection and washing. But nooooo. My old Dr. DiPasquale noticed an abnormality on the underside of my tongue. An unusual ridge of some sort. And this started its own sort of mini-drama.

Dr. Tony: mumble mumble Acid scarring mumble mumble Burned ridge mumble mumble
Hygienist: mumble mumble Geographic tongue mumble mumble But on the underside? mumble mumble
Dr. Tony: Excuse me, but do you dip? Are you a heavy drinker?
Me (despite having my tongue held tightly in gauze): Thnot at all.
Dr. Tony: Does this hurt when I press here? It looks like it should hurt.
Me: Thno.
Dr. Tony: Hmm. This looks like it could be... no, but that's not possible.

They leave the room and confer with others. They return.

Dr. Tony: Well, it might be bilateral geographic tongue. But there are no records of that.
Hygienist: Although nobody really understands what causes geographic tongue in the first place.
Dr. Tony: One way or another, we want to see you again in two weeks, to see how it looks. Depending on how things turn out, we might confer you to an oral surgeon to get his professional opinion. For your own safety.

They spend a while longer talking, I go home and do some research, and it basically appears that there is no such thing as bilateral geographic tongue; it can only happen on the top and I definitely don't have it. Upon further examination of the underside of my own tongue, I have come to this conclusion.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY TONGUE. There is a mild ridge on one side of the underside which is not present on the other. So, admittedly, the bottom of my tongue is mildly asymmetrical. But that means nothing at all. I'll just avoid licking my nose in public and exposing that GRUESOME, HORRENDOUS asymmetrical ridge to the unprepared populace. Sheesh.